Two weeks to fill the potholes
The year is 2025, and the great deceivers who frequent The Serpent bar at the United Nations headquarters have declared a “pothole emergency” through the cell phone emergency notification system. Oven-ready measures are in place, it declares.
You still go to work because you’ve heard it all before, but your car’s internal computer won’t start your vehicle. The corporation that built your car is following governmental guidelines. This pioneering World Economic Forum policy has brought nonessential traffic volumes down by 40% in a single day.
Your computer says, “No!”
The TV people applaud this stunning and brave stance in the fight to save National Infrastructure for future generations. “If you’re driving an electric vehicle, then you’re non-essential and getting in the way of essential diesels” and “EV owners put non-essential strain on the National Grid” they repeat ad nauseam.
Ten Downing Street’s official statement arrives promptly, “We reassure all Britain Corp employees that we’re working tirelessly with Ocado, Deliveroo, and Just Eat to ensure those affected should never need to leave their homes again.”
“I walk with the Highways Agency” and “Save our National Grid” flags mysteriously appear overnight around the nation. The government’s advertising campaign “Keep Calm And Carry On” is updated for the new world unfolding. Examples include “Ruhig Halten And Stay Safe” and “Keep Calm And Think Of England.” WHO said governance can’t be fun or ironic?
Netflix brings out a perfectly timed remake of the 1960s comedy show Dad’s Army. In this new adaption, a rag-tag bunch of Somalian misfits desperately try to cross the channel to save Britain Corp from traffic Rat Runs. Hilarity ensues, despite the obvious terminology that exposes subsurface hatred.
To show support at this historic time, Zoom, TikTok, and Britain’s Got Talent have teamed up to discover Britain’s Bedroom Talent. The finalists include two twerkers, a dog that bounces on the bed, and a guy that can memorise all seventeen of the United Nations ‘Sustainable Development Goals’, including all 193 member states and current ranking.
The new World President and ex-European Union ‘Employee Of The Month’, Ron Jeremy of 70s porn fame, makes an impassioned first speech. He asks for “love and peace as we transition away from the light to protect our most vulnerable from the threat of sunburn and Vitamin D.” Mandella Effect debates rage online, as “didn’t Ron die in 1993”, and “didn’t the Sun used to be yellow?” Yes it did.
Ron asks that “We bang pots and pans at the front door every 5pm to show solidarity with the new regime. Your walls have eyes and ears, so we’ll know who speak unkind words about your new 16-minute and 6066 metre Habitation and Safety Zones.”
“Life was so much better in 1984″, The People wailed! Two weeks to fill the potholes” they sighed.
Silence is consent.